DES CLARKE says the aliens really were coming to visit Northern Scotland, you’ve really got to wonder what for?
POLICE were inundated with calls about a terrifying bright flash that lit up the sky over northern Scotland this week. Many locals were distressed as they hadn’t seen anything like it before. Turns out it was the sun.
The blast only lasted for a few seconds and was particularly frightening.
Something Scottish men refer to as “making love”. To be fair it still lasted far longer than that last summer we had.
It has led to many claiming alien abduction, with hours missing from their evening and a feeling of grogginess and confusion. Though that could have been the 18 super lagers.
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You do wonder what aliens would make of us if they landed today.
They’d say take me to your leader and Donald Trump would be standing there trying to build a wall round them.
There would be Hell toupee. Old Trump’s not a fan of illegal aliens – especially if they’re Mexican.
It’s not much better here. Jeremy Corbyn says he gets his moral compass from
EastEnders. In contrast to David Cameron who seems to get his from Hunger Games.
Corbyn vows to do the opposite of whatever Phil Mitchell does.
Which is handy because Phil’s got hold of a nuclear weapon from the market and is ready to fire it at anybody that calls his mum a slag.
We’re not sure what the PM made of Holly Willoughby , who spoke about her embarrassing wardrobe malfunction at No10. Her zip broke and she had to hack at it with a pair of scissors. Luckily George Osborne was on hand to help her with the cuts.
Some of the crackpot leaders really are out of this world. Osama Bin Laden left £20million in his will for Jihad. No need to panic though. Jihad was his cat’s name.
You’re laughing now – just wait until that cat starts sending videos into Al Jazeera. And Kim Jung Un claims North Korea’s nuclear weapons should be ready for launch at any time. They are just waiting to attach the final elastic bands to the catapult.
Kim says he intends to inflict humiliation on anyone who opposes him. Presumably by giving him the same haircut he has.
So thankfully we escaped alien attack this time. Turns out it was just a wee flash from space. Probably Major Tim Peake dropping his trousers. Still, if ET did land it could be the only chance to actually use that old Christmas cracker gag: What’s ET short for? He’s only got wee legs.
That’ll bring him down to earth.
Robbie Savage and Alan Shearer played a 57-hour five-a-side game for Sport Relief. It was all for a great cause. It meant three days we didn’t have them on the telly spouting their guff punditry.
Elsewhere, James Corden has agreed to do his bit for Africa, by not going there.